Status update

The freak out I had in my last post went on for 24 hours. I was feeling hurt, jealous and unsafe because one of Mister Fire's sweeties was having a crisis. I didn't want to know the details. After all, I thought she was having the same kind of mental breakdown as I did a few months ago. I had a personal crisis when I woke up and found myself utterly in love with him, even though I tried to resist it. The fact that he is polyamorous broke my heart. Most importantly, I consider myself monogamous and would be hurt if I found out that he loves someone like he loves me.

I'll start by saying that I had the most wonderful weekend with Mister Fire. I'm so in love with him that it almost hurts. Friday night he came with me to a party, where he met my parents and my closest friends. He had met a few of my friends, my cousins and my brother already. They've all shown me "thumbs up". The night went quite well. He liked my friends and bonded with my father. My father loves Mister Fire. Daddy called me yesterday. Daddy asked me how long I've been seeing him - for a second there I thought Daddy disliked Mister Fire. Turns out that wasn't the thing at all. Daddy thought Mister Fire was calm and charming. Ah, I know that he's wonderful. That's why I love him.

My love is across the Atlantic Ocean. He left on Sunday morning and will be back in 8 days. He was sitting at the airport, waiting for his flight to leave, when I got this text from him. "I stayed up really late yesterday. I kept thinking about us, my mind was going crazy when I thought about our future. I packed my toothbrush. As I did it, I threw away a few extra brushes from my bathroom... All of them. I want to see no more than two brushes in that cupboard. Yours and mine. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you."

He's going mono. Just for me. He said that going mono wasn't even a tough decision. He felt very strongly about being polyamorous before. Now he just wants to be with me. He thinks I'm special, like I'm his dream come true. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Remember the post when I said I knew exactly how our wedding invitations would look? Now the image is clearer than before. Phew.

I have a boyfriend.

It killed me that he said that as he was leaving. He's been gone for two days and will be away for an additional eight days - how can I go on? We agreed that the next time he's away for that long, I'll go with him. Ten days in Thailand or Miami wouldn't hurt.

The crisis his sweetie was having was because he was leaving her. He wanted to do it smoothly, without hurting her much. Mister Fire is my dream come true, the most perfect guy that I know. I can't believe that I was feeling so insecure that I would want to leave him. I never ever want to leave him.

That's what love feels like.

P.S. I threw out all the extra toothbrushes from my bathroom as well. There were loads, but I don't miss them one bit. Now there's just two. I really like the thought. I'm ecstatic.

The angst of not being poly

I need you to imagine you haven't read a single post by me before.

Picture this: I am a normal, monogamous girl who just happened to fall in love. Tbh it didn't "just happen", it happened even though I tried to resist it and right now I hate it. My lover has told me that he's polyamorous six months back, and I ignored it, because he said he could be in a monogamous relationship if he wanted. Or at least, that's how I remember the conversation. Now that we're in love, we should establish some ground rules. We've been trying to do that for the last two months, but for some reason our conversation always escalates into something else entirely.

I have a close friend who's poly. He once told me that poly-mono-relationships seldom work, because they're frail and need a lot of work. He has tried it on several occasions and failed miserably. The girls he was seeing were almost depressed by the fact that things never worked out. One of them tried to date other people while seeing my friend, but you can't force two people in your heart if you know they don't fit there. I know that for a fact. I've tried having several romantic relationships simultaneously, but for some reason they don't work. There's always one guy who trumps the rest of them.

Today I'm feeling especially hurt, insecure and jealous - feelings that I'm not used to. I've never been jealous in my life (I've never had to), but for some reason I feel unsafe when I'm away from my lover. I'm temporarily studying 100 miles from home, where he lives. I'm meeting him in less than six hours, but right now I feel like I should never see him again.

Nothing special has happened. It's just that I haven't seen him for almost a week and it kills me. The contrast of my feelings is especially harsh now that I'm away from him. When I'm with him, I'm delirious. I feel like I'm high all the time. Love is what I feel. I feel like his body fits mine perfectly, the way he hugs me in the morning, the way his breath is on my neck when I wake up. The way his smiling eyes say "good morning" although he's completely silent. The way he says my name. The way he looks at me yada yada. I could go on for days.
When I'm not with him, I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't sleep, I don't have an appetite, I feel insecure and stupid most of the time. I feel like I have to censor my messages to him, because I don't want to put any pressure on him - I don't usually say that I miss him although I miss him a lot, I seldom initiate any conversations. I don't want to know what he's up to when I'm not with him. It would break my heart to know that he's with someone else, being in love with her like he's in love with me.

I know he puts a huge amount of effort on making me feel safe and loved. Some days it feels almost unbelievable, the way he drowns me in love. Now that I'm away from him he does it by texts, he calls me at night, telling me that he just needed to hear my voice. Why does it feel so unreal? The way I see it it feels like he has to pretend to be in love with me. Is he even?

Why do I question his feelings for me? Because I still can't believe the fact that he's poly. It would be awesome to be "cool" with the fact that he's loving several people simultaneously, but I just can't. I simply can't.

For those of you who have no clue of what I've just angsted about, this is how it goes.

Monogamous people seek intimate romantic relationships. When they find one, the drive to find new romantic relationships disappear and the person is content in settling with his or her partner. 

Polyamorous, however, are different. They have a strong drive to find new romantic relationships, but when they do, the drive isn't switched off. A poly has still the urge to find intimate romantic relationships.

Put simply: Monogamous people can live happily sharing their life with just one people. Polyamorous can not.

Being poly is not a choice. The fact that I want to be a poly because of him and simply can't is breaking my heart.

This whole rush of emotion was triggered by a message from him yesterday. I was sending him a good night text. He told me that he can't sleep because he's so excited. I asked what was up, anything nice he wants to share with me? He said that there was so much going on, a "sweetie" having a crisis, "yada yada". My imagination went wild, I imagined him having the same discussions we had a few months back with a new girl. I pictured her being mono, him being in love with her, her wanting to leave and him not letting her go. It broke my heart. I told him that I could easily step down, if he wanted to continue fixing things with his sweetie, we didn't have to meet and all that shit. I was actually hoping that he'd say that we shouldn't see again. He told me that he can't wait to see me tomorrow, that he loves me and "tomorrow will be here soon <3 <3 <3 good night my love". Ugh. Cheesy. I didn't send anything back.

I saw Mister Navy was online, and I chatted with him for more than two hours. I had so much fun talking with him, he made me happy in that particular moment. We talked about our relationship, about how he likes the fact that I never put any pressure on him, how he's ditched all the other girls he's seeing right now, how he would want to play vanilla with me for a while, how we should totally have a movie night together and sleep in a spoon... panic mode: on. I went to bed shaking. Mister Navy was supposed to be my domi-rock. Ahh. I hate the fact that he's turning vanilla on me.

Can you see the paradox here? I'm seeing loads of guys simultaneously. In fact, I've had three dates so far this week (and it's Friday today, two more to come) and I'm still in love with him. I'd love to be poly, or better yet, I'd be delirious if he was mono, but things just don't go that way. Can I truly call myself monogamous, when you look back on my blog? Mister Navy calls that "single life", so do I. I know I've been monogamous, no question about that, but the last six months has changed me drastically.

All my guys have a different purpose in my life. Mister Fire is my love, my vanilla-tasting sweetheart. Mister Navy was my domi, my chocolate and liquorice lover. I'm not sure what he is anymore, now that he's sliding into being vanilla. Mister Blonde is my male best friend, I wouldn't survive a week without sleeping in his arms. I guess I love him, but in a different way than I love Mister Fire. Then there's this one guy.. The man I thought to be the father of my future children. He's in love with me. He's the best guy I know. He's smart, solid, funny, handsome - the whole package. But he's super-SUPER-vanilla and it kills me. I don't want to force any tricks on him. "Pull my hair, would you?" was way too much on him, so I tried to dump him but failed.

Am I poly, or am I just enjoying my single life?
Why do I have to surface these emotions before going to school? Ah I hate this.

I've been crying for over an hour now. I woke up in the middle of the night, having the worst nightmares. This is the fourth night in a row.

I think I need to break up with Mister Fire.