The angst of not being poly

I need you to imagine you haven't read a single post by me before.

Picture this: I am a normal, monogamous girl who just happened to fall in love. Tbh it didn't "just happen", it happened even though I tried to resist it and right now I hate it. My lover has told me that he's polyamorous six months back, and I ignored it, because he said he could be in a monogamous relationship if he wanted. Or at least, that's how I remember the conversation. Now that we're in love, we should establish some ground rules. We've been trying to do that for the last two months, but for some reason our conversation always escalates into something else entirely.

I have a close friend who's poly. He once told me that poly-mono-relationships seldom work, because they're frail and need a lot of work. He has tried it on several occasions and failed miserably. The girls he was seeing were almost depressed by the fact that things never worked out. One of them tried to date other people while seeing my friend, but you can't force two people in your heart if you know they don't fit there. I know that for a fact. I've tried having several romantic relationships simultaneously, but for some reason they don't work. There's always one guy who trumps the rest of them.

Today I'm feeling especially hurt, insecure and jealous - feelings that I'm not used to. I've never been jealous in my life (I've never had to), but for some reason I feel unsafe when I'm away from my lover. I'm temporarily studying 100 miles from home, where he lives. I'm meeting him in less than six hours, but right now I feel like I should never see him again.

Nothing special has happened. It's just that I haven't seen him for almost a week and it kills me. The contrast of my feelings is especially harsh now that I'm away from him. When I'm with him, I'm delirious. I feel like I'm high all the time. Love is what I feel. I feel like his body fits mine perfectly, the way he hugs me in the morning, the way his breath is on my neck when I wake up. The way his smiling eyes say "good morning" although he's completely silent. The way he says my name. The way he looks at me yada yada. I could go on for days.
When I'm not with him, I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't sleep, I don't have an appetite, I feel insecure and stupid most of the time. I feel like I have to censor my messages to him, because I don't want to put any pressure on him - I don't usually say that I miss him although I miss him a lot, I seldom initiate any conversations. I don't want to know what he's up to when I'm not with him. It would break my heart to know that he's with someone else, being in love with her like he's in love with me.

I know he puts a huge amount of effort on making me feel safe and loved. Some days it feels almost unbelievable, the way he drowns me in love. Now that I'm away from him he does it by texts, he calls me at night, telling me that he just needed to hear my voice. Why does it feel so unreal? The way I see it it feels like he has to pretend to be in love with me. Is he even?

Why do I question his feelings for me? Because I still can't believe the fact that he's poly. It would be awesome to be "cool" with the fact that he's loving several people simultaneously, but I just can't. I simply can't.

For those of you who have no clue of what I've just angsted about, this is how it goes.

Monogamous people seek intimate romantic relationships. When they find one, the drive to find new romantic relationships disappear and the person is content in settling with his or her partner. 

Polyamorous, however, are different. They have a strong drive to find new romantic relationships, but when they do, the drive isn't switched off. A poly has still the urge to find intimate romantic relationships.

Put simply: Monogamous people can live happily sharing their life with just one people. Polyamorous can not.

Being poly is not a choice. The fact that I want to be a poly because of him and simply can't is breaking my heart.

This whole rush of emotion was triggered by a message from him yesterday. I was sending him a good night text. He told me that he can't sleep because he's so excited. I asked what was up, anything nice he wants to share with me? He said that there was so much going on, a "sweetie" having a crisis, "yada yada". My imagination went wild, I imagined him having the same discussions we had a few months back with a new girl. I pictured her being mono, him being in love with her, her wanting to leave and him not letting her go. It broke my heart. I told him that I could easily step down, if he wanted to continue fixing things with his sweetie, we didn't have to meet and all that shit. I was actually hoping that he'd say that we shouldn't see again. He told me that he can't wait to see me tomorrow, that he loves me and "tomorrow will be here soon <3 <3 <3 good night my love". Ugh. Cheesy. I didn't send anything back.

I saw Mister Navy was online, and I chatted with him for more than two hours. I had so much fun talking with him, he made me happy in that particular moment. We talked about our relationship, about how he likes the fact that I never put any pressure on him, how he's ditched all the other girls he's seeing right now, how he would want to play vanilla with me for a while, how we should totally have a movie night together and sleep in a spoon... panic mode: on. I went to bed shaking. Mister Navy was supposed to be my domi-rock. Ahh. I hate the fact that he's turning vanilla on me.

Can you see the paradox here? I'm seeing loads of guys simultaneously. In fact, I've had three dates so far this week (and it's Friday today, two more to come) and I'm still in love with him. I'd love to be poly, or better yet, I'd be delirious if he was mono, but things just don't go that way. Can I truly call myself monogamous, when you look back on my blog? Mister Navy calls that "single life", so do I. I know I've been monogamous, no question about that, but the last six months has changed me drastically.

All my guys have a different purpose in my life. Mister Fire is my love, my vanilla-tasting sweetheart. Mister Navy was my domi, my chocolate and liquorice lover. I'm not sure what he is anymore, now that he's sliding into being vanilla. Mister Blonde is my male best friend, I wouldn't survive a week without sleeping in his arms. I guess I love him, but in a different way than I love Mister Fire. Then there's this one guy.. The man I thought to be the father of my future children. He's in love with me. He's the best guy I know. He's smart, solid, funny, handsome - the whole package. But he's super-SUPER-vanilla and it kills me. I don't want to force any tricks on him. "Pull my hair, would you?" was way too much on him, so I tried to dump him but failed.

Am I poly, or am I just enjoying my single life?
Why do I have to surface these emotions before going to school? Ah I hate this.

I've been crying for over an hour now. I woke up in the middle of the night, having the worst nightmares. This is the fourth night in a row.

I think I need to break up with Mister Fire.

This girl is on fire!

Mister Fire and I have been seeing each other a lot. We started doing acro yoga a week ago. My wrists hurt from all the handstands and my face hurts from all the smiling. Mister Fire is really strong, he lifts me easily. Acro yoga with him is just perfect, I feel like I'm flying when I'm in his arms. Apres-yoga showers together make my heart beat out of my chest.

I had a quick freak out session on Wednesday. I suddenly realized that I really want to be a part of his life. I want him to ditch all the other chicks and just be with me. I sent him a message saying that I don't want to meet him anymore.
"You know the feeling when you know you'll break your heart, but you still want to know how it feels? I'm experiencing that emotion right now and I hate it. We had a good run, I just need to get my shit together and delete you from my life. I like you a lot and I hate the fact that we'll never have a future together. You're a poly, I'm not. I feel I'm latching on to you and I need to escape. Just let me go." I made him freak out as well. He told me that he has no problem fitting me in his busy little life, but he's unsure of "the things we'll share in the future because we don't know each other yet". He didn't really appreciate the fact that I was willing to let him go so easily. I had a really bad day, I was moody as hell. He told me I should never bring that shit up on WhatsApp again.

Yesterday he sent me a tape of him singing... I had to catch my breath for an hour after seeing the tape. He was at work, he was wearing his FD tee and shorts; he just stood there, barefoot, in front of his phone, singing to me. I did tell you he's a part-time fitness model and a musician, right? A terrible combination, if you ask me.

If he'd ask, I'd definitely be his girlfriend for life. In a non-poly way, thank you very much. I actually caught myself planning our wedding invitations. Hahaha I'm such an idiot. I even deleted Tinder from my iPhone because he asked me to.

Can you change a person?
I guess not. And I don't want to change him either. It wouldn't be fair of me to ask, therefore I'd never do it. I'm not supposed to discuss relationship stuff on WhatsApp or over the phone, but how can I break up with him if I have to see him and he charms me again..?

Confusion and anxiety doesn't even begin to describe my feelings right now.

We'll see what tomorrow's acro yoga practice brings...

I always fall for the wrong guy.

Confusion, part II.

There are days when I dislike my little life.

Tuesday wasn't one of them. I met Mister Blonde. 

Mister Blonde has been teasing me all week. I have absolutely no clue what to think of the whole business. He sends me several texts every day, asking me how I'm doing, what my plans for the evening are, etc. 

Getting together yesterday was his idea. He wanted to do something with me, yet he never suggested any specific activities.

So... I picked him up after work. We cooked thai food (yummy!) and spent the night together at my place. We played silly little games and talked for seven hours. He didn't touch me. Not once.

We agreed earlier that he could stay over, because it would take him half an hour to get home. He doesn't have a car, you see. I told him that he could sleep in my spare room, now that I got a bed there.

I got really sleepy around 11 p.m. I brushed my teeth and mumbled something like "do you want to sleep next to me?" and he said yes. We went to my bedroom, chatting about our future (well, not our future - I mean, our separate futures), dreams and trips.. He got undressed, I couldn't look away. His whole upper body had this beautiful tan that looked amazing in my bedroom. I got undressed, he never took his eyes away from me and my body. He smiled a bit.

I dived under the covers, he followed me. He came really close. His face was just a few inches away from mine. I could feel his breath on my cheek. He looked at me just the way he used to... It freaked me out, so I turned off the lights. We kept talking for two more hours.

His hand brushed mine, but I drew my hand away. He didn't touch me again. He didn't even try to kiss me. I fell asleep without saying "good night".

We woke up at 5 a.m. He was already wide awake, he wouldn't stop smiling at me when I opened my eyes.

Fuck. Did I talk in my sleep again?

He said that he was just genuinely happy to wake up next to me.

No comebacks.

Freaking out. What the fuck am I supposed to say to him? 

Is he going to be my friend, or does he want something entirely different? Why is he showing so much interest in what I do every day, but he didn't even try to touch me? Why has he sent me four texts in the last ten minutes, although I haven't had the time to answer the first one? Why is he interested in knowing what kinds of guys I date at the moment? Why is he interested in my brother and what sorts of men he would "approve" to be my boyfriend?

But most of all. Why didn't he touch me?!?

I'm used to guys being really physical around me. I'm used to being touched. Now that I'm not being touched by one my mind is doing cartwheels. 

Oh yeah, I never showed you what he looks like. 

This is quite close, but imagine him with lighter hair and broader shoulders.

Now we're planning a trip together for Christmas. I'm thinking Vietnam, three weeks in the sun. Yeah, I could live with that.

But I still have no idea if I'm planning a trip to Vietnam with a friend or a potential boyfriend.
Freaking out.

Confusion, part I

Hello.

So, I've told you about my Mister Silver. He fell for me, sent me loads of pictures of himself working out, in hopes of making me fall in love with his body. That didn't go as planned, I became tired of him and my other Misters.

I didn't text him for over a week, I didn't answer his calls, nothing. I just wanted to stay away from him for a while, just to cool things down. I secretly hoped that he would have forgotten about me, that he wouldn't be in contact with me anymore. 

Today he sent me a text, asking me where I disappeared last week. "Why haven't we talked for ages? ;(" Oh, get a life, Mister.

I answered him (although I shouldn't have), saying that I've been crazy busy at work and entertaining my brother and cousins and and and [insert excuses here]. 

As I've said before, I won't reveal any of my Misters' identities by posting pictures of them, but just as a reference, this is quite close what Mister Silver looks like:

Yeah, he's ridiculously hot.

He still keeps sending me pictures just like that. Today I got four. 

I tried to break up with him again. He answered me with a weird message, saying: "Things would be a lot easier if you were ugly and an idiot. But you're a five star girl and I want you." 

Fuck, I'm his challenge.

You want him? I sure as hell don't.

Once you go Black, you can't go back

You'd think that I was talking about skin colour, right? Well, you're wrong as hell.

Mister Black texted me on Sunday (while I was busy getting angry at Mister Yellow). He told me that he found my disc golf frisbees, and was willing to return them to me if I agreed to listen to him for a few hours. The discs felt like excuses, to be honest. He could have just left them in my mail box.

Wednesday night.
Mister Black drove 500 miles to see me. What the fuck is wrong with him? I confronted him about it. He said that he wanted to show me that he cares for me, that he can make an effort. That he still feels deeply for me, and wanted me to see that. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Speechless. Again. I hate when that happens. 

He talked for three hours. I had absolutely nothing to say to him. I just sat there, listening, crying. The sleeves of my dinosaur sweatshirt were soaked with tears. He was sincerely sorry for all the shit he put me through. He didn't ask for a second chance, he just wanted to take a walk with me some day. And if that went ok, maybe do stuff that we had planned to do.

I met him a few times, really enjoyed my time with him. We had fun together, shared many laughs and happy moments. We agreed to keep things a secret from our mutual friends, just in case things don't work out.

Something strange happened. I turned my girlfriend mode on, wanted to stop seeing my Misters. Mister Black told me that I shouldn't do it, he doesn't want to be treated any differently than all my other guys. "You sure?" I asked. He said yes, but my feelings for him are much deeper than some random Mister. I dumped every single colourful guy, every Mister, just to be with my Mister Black. I'm such an idiot.

Well, shit hit the fan. I found myself feeling the same way I did before I was miserable. I wanted to turn back time, maybe a year or so, to the happiest summer I've ever experienced. That lasted for a week.

During the week we had the most stupid fights I can imagine. He installed Tinder, just to see what all the fuss was about. He didn't tell me about it, I found out myself. Wednesday morning, I saw his phone light up with a few push messages from Tinder. I wasn't jealous, I had no reason to be. I simply said "Oh, you have Tinder? Good for you, I hope you find what you're looking for" and started World War III. He became all weird and accused me of sleeping with all kinds of guys (he was right, but he had no right to be angry at me). He left my home slamming doors - I guess my reaction wasn't exactly what he was hoping for. What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to be the jealous girlfriend, although we weren't even dating? I didn't get it. The next few days were rough. He was seeking for attention, I didn't give it to him.

Weekend came. I made plans to be with Mister Black. He did a no-show. Twice.

That was it. I can't believe that he slipped back to being the shitty person that he is in a week. I won't give him any third chances, we all know that he's a terrible boyfriend. I woke up on Sunday morning with my mind going "what the HELL was I thinking?" 


I sent him a message saying: "Don't text me anymore. Have a great summer." That was it, at least for now.