Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Status update

The freak out I had in my last post went on for 24 hours. I was feeling hurt, jealous and unsafe because one of Mister Fire's sweeties was having a crisis. I didn't want to know the details. After all, I thought she was having the same kind of mental breakdown as I did a few months ago. I had a personal crisis when I woke up and found myself utterly in love with him, even though I tried to resist it. The fact that he is polyamorous broke my heart. Most importantly, I consider myself monogamous and would be hurt if I found out that he loves someone like he loves me.

I'll start by saying that I had the most wonderful weekend with Mister Fire. I'm so in love with him that it almost hurts. Friday night he came with me to a party, where he met my parents and my closest friends. He had met a few of my friends, my cousins and my brother already. They've all shown me "thumbs up". The night went quite well. He liked my friends and bonded with my father. My father loves Mister Fire. Daddy called me yesterday. Daddy asked me how long I've been seeing him - for a second there I thought Daddy disliked Mister Fire. Turns out that wasn't the thing at all. Daddy thought Mister Fire was calm and charming. Ah, I know that he's wonderful. That's why I love him.

My love is across the Atlantic Ocean. He left on Sunday morning and will be back in 8 days. He was sitting at the airport, waiting for his flight to leave, when I got this text from him. "I stayed up really late yesterday. I kept thinking about us, my mind was going crazy when I thought about our future. I packed my toothbrush. As I did it, I threw away a few extra brushes from my bathroom... All of them. I want to see no more than two brushes in that cupboard. Yours and mine. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you."

He's going mono. Just for me. He said that going mono wasn't even a tough decision. He felt very strongly about being polyamorous before. Now he just wants to be with me. He thinks I'm special, like I'm his dream come true. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Remember the post when I said I knew exactly how our wedding invitations would look? Now the image is clearer than before. Phew.

I have a boyfriend.

It killed me that he said that as he was leaving. He's been gone for two days and will be away for an additional eight days - how can I go on? We agreed that the next time he's away for that long, I'll go with him. Ten days in Thailand or Miami wouldn't hurt.

The crisis his sweetie was having was because he was leaving her. He wanted to do it smoothly, without hurting her much. Mister Fire is my dream come true, the most perfect guy that I know. I can't believe that I was feeling so insecure that I would want to leave him. I never ever want to leave him.

That's what love feels like.

P.S. I threw out all the extra toothbrushes from my bathroom as well. There were loads, but I don't miss them one bit. Now there's just two. I really like the thought. I'm ecstatic.

Friday, 26 September 2014

The angst of not being poly

I need you to imagine you haven't read a single post by me before.

Picture this: I am a normal, monogamous girl who just happened to fall in love. Tbh it didn't "just happen", it happened even though I tried to resist it and right now I hate it. My lover has told me that he's polyamorous six months back, and I ignored it, because he said he could be in a monogamous relationship if he wanted. Or at least, that's how I remember the conversation. Now that we're in love, we should establish some ground rules. We've been trying to do that for the last two months, but for some reason our conversation always escalates into something else entirely.

I have a close friend who's poly. He once told me that poly-mono-relationships seldom work, because they're frail and need a lot of work. He has tried it on several occasions and failed miserably. The girls he was seeing were almost depressed by the fact that things never worked out. One of them tried to date other people while seeing my friend, but you can't force two people in your heart if you know they don't fit there. I know that for a fact. I've tried having several romantic relationships simultaneously, but for some reason they don't work. There's always one guy who trumps the rest of them.

Today I'm feeling especially hurt, insecure and jealous - feelings that I'm not used to. I've never been jealous in my life (I've never had to), but for some reason I feel unsafe when I'm away from my lover. I'm temporarily studying 100 miles from home, where he lives. I'm meeting him in less than six hours, but right now I feel like I should never see him again.

Nothing special has happened. It's just that I haven't seen him for almost a week and it kills me. The contrast of my feelings is especially harsh now that I'm away from him. When I'm with him, I'm delirious. I feel like I'm high all the time. Love is what I feel. I feel like his body fits mine perfectly, the way he hugs me in the morning, the way his breath is on my neck when I wake up. The way his smiling eyes say "good morning" although he's completely silent. The way he says my name. The way he looks at me yada yada. I could go on for days.
When I'm not with him, I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't sleep, I don't have an appetite, I feel insecure and stupid most of the time. I feel like I have to censor my messages to him, because I don't want to put any pressure on him - I don't usually say that I miss him although I miss him a lot, I seldom initiate any conversations. I don't want to know what he's up to when I'm not with him. It would break my heart to know that he's with someone else, being in love with her like he's in love with me.

I know he puts a huge amount of effort on making me feel safe and loved. Some days it feels almost unbelievable, the way he drowns me in love. Now that I'm away from him he does it by texts, he calls me at night, telling me that he just needed to hear my voice. Why does it feel so unreal? The way I see it it feels like he has to pretend to be in love with me. Is he even?

Why do I question his feelings for me? Because I still can't believe the fact that he's poly. It would be awesome to be "cool" with the fact that he's loving several people simultaneously, but I just can't. I simply can't.

For those of you who have no clue of what I've just angsted about, this is how it goes.

Monogamous people seek intimate romantic relationships. When they find one, the drive to find new romantic relationships disappear and the person is content in settling with his or her partner. 
Polyamorous, however, are different. They have a strong drive to find new romantic relationships, but when they do, the drive isn't switched off. A poly has still the urge to find intimate romantic relationships.

Put simply: Monogamous people can live happily sharing their life with just one people. Polyamorous can not.

Being poly is not a choice. The fact that I want to be a poly because of him and simply can't is breaking my heart.

This whole rush of emotion was triggered by a message from him yesterday. I was sending him a good night text. He told me that he can't sleep because he's so excited. I asked what was up, anything nice he wants to share with me? He said that there was so much going on, a "sweetie" having a crisis, "yada yada". My imagination went wild, I imagined him having the same discussions we had a few months back with a new girl. I pictured her being mono, him being in love with her, her wanting to leave and him not letting her go. It broke my heart. I told him that I could easily step down, if he wanted to continue fixing things with his sweetie, we didn't have to meet and all that shit. I was actually hoping that he'd say that we shouldn't see again. He told me that he can't wait to see me tomorrow, that he loves me and "tomorrow will be here soon <3 <3 <3 good night my love". Ugh. Cheesy. I didn't send anything back.

I saw Mister Navy was online, and I chatted with him for more than two hours. I had so much fun talking with him, he made me happy in that particular moment. We talked about our relationship, about how he likes the fact that I never put any pressure on him, how he's ditched all the other girls he's seeing right now, how he would want to play vanilla with me for a while, how we should totally have a movie night together and sleep in a spoon... panic mode: on. I went to bed shaking. Mister Navy was supposed to be my domi-rock. Ahh. I hate the fact that he's turning vanilla on me.

Can you see the paradox here? I'm seeing loads of guys simultaneously. In fact, I've had three dates so far this week (and it's Friday today, two more to come) and I'm still in love with him. I'd love to be poly, or better yet, I'd be delirious if he was mono, but things just don't go that way. Can I truly call myself monogamous, when you look back on my blog? Mister Navy calls that "single life", so do I. I know I've been monogamous, no question about that, but the last six months has changed me drastically.

All my guys have a different purpose in my life. Mister Fire is my love, my vanilla-tasting sweetheart. Mister Navy was my domi, my chocolate and liquorice lover. I'm not sure what he is anymore, now that he's sliding into being vanilla. Mister Blonde is my male best friend, I wouldn't survive a week without sleeping in his arms. I guess I love him, but in a different way than I love Mister Fire. Then there's this one guy.. The man I thought to be the father of my future children. He's in love with me. He's the best guy I know. He's smart, solid, funny, handsome - the whole package. But he's super-SUPER-vanilla and it kills me. I don't want to force any tricks on him. "Pull my hair, would you?" was way too much on him, so I tried to dump him but failed.

Am I poly, or am I just enjoying my single life?
Why do I have to surface these emotions before going to school? Ah I hate this.

I've been crying for over an hour now. I woke up in the middle of the night, having the worst nightmares. This is the fourth night in a row.

I think I need to break up with Mister Fire.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

"You're the mistake I'm willing to make"

Mister Blonde kissed me.

It happened sort of by mistake, I guess.
Though, can you kiss someone by mistake? He didn't run into my lips face-first.

I had just spent the last three days (and nights) with him. We were at his place, getting ready for bed. I was already under the covers, wearing nothing but an over-sized t-shirt that I got from him the previous night. He crawled into bed with me, took me in his arms and caressed my thighs. He said that he really loves a girl who squats. He put his hand behind my neck and pulled my face close to his, our noses almost touching. His warm breath was on my face. I just couldn't pull away from him... So when he kissed me, I kissed him back. Four minutes later I was on top of him, he was undressing me and I stopped. Not because I wanted to, but because he looked weird. His face almost shouted out the fact that we were doing something wrong. And he was right.

I lay down beside him. My head had just done a 180 - wasn't I supposed to be in love with Mister Fire? If so, what the hell was I doing? We had to discuss this and I knew it. I took the initiative and asked him what in the world just happened. I had totally friend-zoned him and he influenced me like that, although he of all people shouldn't have.

He told me he was into me. No surprises there. He told me that he had tried being friends with me, but apparently I'm such a flirty persona that it's simply impossible. He had wanted to kiss me for three days. He told me I was driving him crazy: the smell of my hair on his pillow, my skin, my laugh, my body... I guess that's a plausible explanation. We decided that we weren't going to have sex before we knew what was going to happen. Mister Blonde is truly not a fan of a sexual relationship, he wants me to be something more or nothing at all. That's a tough one.

He asked me to stop telling him about all the guys I'm seeing at the moment. Including Mister Fire. He hopes I'm not seeing Mister Fire anymore. Weeeeeeell.. I'm meeting him tomorrow, he'll be staying with me for three days. Whoopsie.
He doesn't want to know about my blog anymore. He wants to be close to me. Apparently he wishes that we'll be involved in some sort of serious relationship, although he wasn't sure if he wanted that. I told him I was very happy being single. There are days when I dislike being a single girl but they come very seldom nowadays.

He wants to be my boyfriend.

Now I'm freaking out.

... And I'm still in love with Mister Fire.

Monday, 15 September 2014

A night with my brother and Mister Gold

Mister Gold and I had been out on a few dates during the Summer. He was really nice to me. Nothing special happened. We didn't sleep together, so I can't make any comments on his performance.

I had made plans to hang out with my brother and the girl he was dating at the moment. I told Mister Gold that my brother and I have a special relationship. We're really close and are extremely frank about each other's potential spouses. We have a right to veto. Mister Gold didn't seem that freaked out, I guess he wanted to meet the person who has such a special place in my heart.

We met on a Friday night. I had just had dinner with my brother and his "girl" and went for drinks afterwards. Mister Gold had been out with a few friends and met up with us later. He was really nice to me, but seemed sort of anxious and really stressed out - I wasn't sure what was going on... Until I realized that he did all he could to impress my brother. The way he was flaunting his stuff pissed me off, I just couldn't believe the things I was hearing. It felt like he had to tell my brother everything about his stupid boats, his ridiculously expensive hobbies and travels and whatnots. Side note: my brother is extremely wealthy, so Mister Gold's attempt in throwing his money around didn't really go as planned. The evening went so-so. Mister Gold was more interested in talking with my brother than being around me and it annoyed the hell out of me.

We shared a taxi. My brother and I went home and left Mister Gold on the way. By the time we got home it was around 5 a.m. I felt exhausted. I could have easily lived a happy life without ever having to experience that.

Afterwards my brother told me that Mister Gold had talked about me on every possible occasion. A lot. He asked my brother if I was seeing someone else, because I felt "weird and distant". He also said that he liked me a lot, but I never answered his feelings. I never witnessed these conversations, I guess they had them when I was out of hearing range.

His thoughts could be accurate. I didn't answer any of his feelings because I didn't feel that way.

I had made plans to meet Mister Gold later that week, but I sent him a text saying I will never see him again. He answered me with a "Ok then.". What the hell is that? First you tell my brother how much you like me and want to spend the rest of your life with me, and the next day you're fine with never seeing me again. Puh-lease.

But please, Mister whatsyourcolour. Don't go talking personal stuff to my brother. He's not that into hearing how much "you've fallen for me", he probably knows it already. Men tend to fall for me and my brother is used to seeing and hearing all kinds of stuff when it comes to his baby sister.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Meeting Mister Navy

I found myself a true bad boy. He's 34. He is extremely handsome: 6ft5in (192 cm) tall, he has dark hair and ofc a beard (I don't do guys without beards anymore), he's a semi-pro athlete and has tattoos all over his body. I met him on Tinder.

I met him on Wednesday. I had just finished a super sweaty workout at a gym a few blocks away from his home. For some reason I managed to forget to bring a change of clothes with me, so I went on a first date wearing leopard print running tights, a sweaty tank top and sneakers. No make up, my hair was on a braid and I didn't even shower before seeing him. Guess what? He absolutely loved me.

Our first date was really nice. He took me to a Thai restaurant. We sat there for two hours. There was something about him that almost annoyed me, I guess it was the way he talked. I almost felt like he had to impress me - oh, have I seen that quality before.. Major turn-off.

Well, as soon as we left the restaurant something changed. He asked me a private question and I answered him as truthfully as I could. I guess he liked the answer, because 45 minutes later we were leaning against a wall, kissing, he was pulling my hair and whispering in my ear. I left him standing there, saying that I wouldn't have sex with him tonight, but surely some day soon. It took him 12 hours to ask me out again and I said yes.

The thing about him that turns me on is that he's really powerful. He's taller than I am and has really powerful hands. I noticed that, because he grabbed my wrists and told me he'd tie me down any time. He shared his fantasies with me, told me in detail what he'd do to me if I came home with him right now and enjoyed the look on my face when I was turned on by him. I could easily use him as a fuck buddy, but I wouldn't date him. I actually told him that, and he said it was ok. "I'm not looking for a girl to play home with. I'm looking for a personal nympho." Fine by me!

Ladies, you should see this one. He just sent me a picture of himself after working out, his perfect body all sweaty - just the way I like it. Yummy.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

I see fire.

Mister Fire invited me to see him play at a club a few weeks back. I said yes, of course, although I got off work really late and had to rush. He's invited me to come watch him tens of times, but I've never managed to get my bottom to the club. I was wearing black jeans, a worn leather jacket, a white over-sized tee and bright red lipstick. My long blonde hair was wavy and messy. I looked pretty good.

I was in the front row. He was playing guitar and singing a ballad. He kept looking straight into my eyes, right into my soul for the whole length of the song. The four minutes felt like an hour - in a good way. For a second there it felt like we were the only people there, he was singing to me and no one else.

The gig was over, he packed away his stuff and sat next to me at the bar. He nibbled at my ear and said "I want you. Let's go home." Before I knew it I had my jacket on and pulled him out the door. He put his hand firmly on the back of my neck and pulled me into a passionate kiss as soon as we got outside. A few seconds later he had my lipstick all around his face. "I'm not a true rock artist unless I can mess up a groupie's lipstick." He kissed my neck, I purred and almost ran to the car, dragging him behind.

The ride home was crazy. I had to focus fully on controlling myself. I just wanted to pull the car over, get undressed and love him like it was our last day on earth. And I did, as soon as we got home. He kept smiling through it all, he never looked away from my eyes. I can still feel his lips on my skin, the burning sensation of his fingertips on my clavicles... His strong arms pulling me closer to him. There was this moment when he was on top of me when he suddenly stopped, took a good look at me and said "Don't freak out. I love you." I couldn't breathe. I wanted to shout out that I love him too, but nothing came out of my mouth. I just smiled and told him to kiss me like he's never kissed me before.

The next morning he sat in my living room, playing guitar and singing to me while I was making coffee in the kitchen. I can't remember the exact song he played, but it went something like "You are my ecstasy/my real life fantasy/my dream come true" [something something I have forgot]. For some reason my knees felt really weak, I couldn't hold on to the kettle any longer. I'm so happy he didn't see me at the moment - he would've thought I was freaking out. It was just the opposite. He has swept me off my feet, literally.

I gave him a ride home on my way to work. The moment he closed the door behind him I felt empty - why do I have to be without him? A few minutes later he sent me a text saying "I miss you already. When can I see you again??" 
Anytime, baby. I'm (almost) all yours.

Thursday, 4 September 2014

An open letter to Mister Blonde

Dear Mister Blonde,

You confuse me.

I thought we were supposed to be friends. I opened my heart to you and told you about my relationship with Mister Fire. I was all broken up about him being a poly. You said that it was okay, I'd find someone who'd do anything to marry me. I cried, you lent me your shoulder. You stroke my hair and made me feel loved. You asked me what I really wanted from life and I told you. 

I thought I could trust you. I told you my biggest secrets and you listened to me.

I had the best time with you yesterday. I really enjoyed your cooking, your funny stories, watching a movie together and talking with you. I am a bit tired though, since you kept me up chatting until 2 a.m. But it was totally worth it.

What you said on Monday wasn't that strange, even though I reacted a bit strangely. You told me that I shouldn't go looking that far for the perfect boyfriend - maybe he's somewhere closer than I believe. I made a somewhat funny joke about my guys being hockey players, firefighters and all kinds of lawyers and doctors, but there's always something wrong with them. You laughed at me when I said that hockey players are seldom smart, and smart guys are seldom athletic. You made me realize that you are the whole package and that you're fun to be around. I think you're a bit weird occasionally, but in a good way. You make me smile and I like it.

Now, what happened yesterday was ok. I had fun talking to you, although you asked me about Mister Fire on several occasions. You seemed sort of worried about me, you asked me if my heart was broken because of the guy. It was kind of sweet, thanks for caring. Why did we discuss weddings and relationships that much yesterday? You told me that you could easily picture me walking down the aisle in a beautiful white dress. Why would you do that?

Day dreaming about our trip to Vietnam was really nice too. I told you about my traveling dreams and you were mentally boarding the plane with me - although you didn't like my idea of riding a bike on the great wall of China. You said you'd take pictures of me biking around, wind in my hair, laughing... I'd like that.

I got a bit scared when you said that you haven't been able to talk to a girl the way you talk to me. I know you appreciate me and my wits, although you never say it aloud.

I get the fact that you wanted to sleep really close to me, but you could have gotten me a blanket of my own. You told me that you lent the spare blanket to your roommate and would get it back "someday". I thought it was okay, you and me are really close anyway. You've seen me naked loads of times, I'm sure you can handle me in my My Little Pony pj's under the covers. 
The way you had your arms around me in the morning made me want to hit snooze. And I did, for 45 minutes. I really loved the way you stroke my hair during the night. I was awake although I pretended to sleep. I fell asleep in your arms easily because I felt safe there. 

Thing is, I love being close to you. I find it amusing that you like me a lot, that you're flirty and tease me about my stupid manners. You're not the perfect gentleman... In fact, I can't recall that you've ever commented on my appearance. When I got a facial, you just said "your aesthetitian did a good job!". Gee, thanks? :D

But still, there's something missing. I know you want to spend time with me and I like it - as I said, I love spending time with you. 
But you know what? I'm in love with Mister Fire and I can't change that.

I hope you can forgive me and still be my friend.