The angst of not being poly

I need you to imagine you haven't read a single post by me before.

Picture this: I am a normal, monogamous girl who just happened to fall in love. Tbh it didn't "just happen", it happened even though I tried to resist it and right now I hate it. My lover has told me that he's polyamorous six months back, and I ignored it, because he said he could be in a monogamous relationship if he wanted. Or at least, that's how I remember the conversation. Now that we're in love, we should establish some ground rules. We've been trying to do that for the last two months, but for some reason our conversation always escalates into something else entirely.

I have a close friend who's poly. He once told me that poly-mono-relationships seldom work, because they're frail and need a lot of work. He has tried it on several occasions and failed miserably. The girls he was seeing were almost depressed by the fact that things never worked out. One of them tried to date other people while seeing my friend, but you can't force two people in your heart if you know they don't fit there. I know that for a fact. I've tried having several romantic relationships simultaneously, but for some reason they don't work. There's always one guy who trumps the rest of them.

Today I'm feeling especially hurt, insecure and jealous - feelings that I'm not used to. I've never been jealous in my life (I've never had to), but for some reason I feel unsafe when I'm away from my lover. I'm temporarily studying 100 miles from home, where he lives. I'm meeting him in less than six hours, but right now I feel like I should never see him again.

Nothing special has happened. It's just that I haven't seen him for almost a week and it kills me. The contrast of my feelings is especially harsh now that I'm away from him. When I'm with him, I'm delirious. I feel like I'm high all the time. Love is what I feel. I feel like his body fits mine perfectly, the way he hugs me in the morning, the way his breath is on my neck when I wake up. The way his smiling eyes say "good morning" although he's completely silent. The way he says my name. The way he looks at me yada yada. I could go on for days.
When I'm not with him, I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't sleep, I don't have an appetite, I feel insecure and stupid most of the time. I feel like I have to censor my messages to him, because I don't want to put any pressure on him - I don't usually say that I miss him although I miss him a lot, I seldom initiate any conversations. I don't want to know what he's up to when I'm not with him. It would break my heart to know that he's with someone else, being in love with her like he's in love with me.

I know he puts a huge amount of effort on making me feel safe and loved. Some days it feels almost unbelievable, the way he drowns me in love. Now that I'm away from him he does it by texts, he calls me at night, telling me that he just needed to hear my voice. Why does it feel so unreal? The way I see it it feels like he has to pretend to be in love with me. Is he even?

Why do I question his feelings for me? Because I still can't believe the fact that he's poly. It would be awesome to be "cool" with the fact that he's loving several people simultaneously, but I just can't. I simply can't.

For those of you who have no clue of what I've just angsted about, this is how it goes.

Monogamous people seek intimate romantic relationships. When they find one, the drive to find new romantic relationships disappear and the person is content in settling with his or her partner. 

Polyamorous, however, are different. They have a strong drive to find new romantic relationships, but when they do, the drive isn't switched off. A poly has still the urge to find intimate romantic relationships.

Put simply: Monogamous people can live happily sharing their life with just one people. Polyamorous can not.

Being poly is not a choice. The fact that I want to be a poly because of him and simply can't is breaking my heart.

This whole rush of emotion was triggered by a message from him yesterday. I was sending him a good night text. He told me that he can't sleep because he's so excited. I asked what was up, anything nice he wants to share with me? He said that there was so much going on, a "sweetie" having a crisis, "yada yada". My imagination went wild, I imagined him having the same discussions we had a few months back with a new girl. I pictured her being mono, him being in love with her, her wanting to leave and him not letting her go. It broke my heart. I told him that I could easily step down, if he wanted to continue fixing things with his sweetie, we didn't have to meet and all that shit. I was actually hoping that he'd say that we shouldn't see again. He told me that he can't wait to see me tomorrow, that he loves me and "tomorrow will be here soon <3 <3 <3 good night my love". Ugh. Cheesy. I didn't send anything back.

I saw Mister Navy was online, and I chatted with him for more than two hours. I had so much fun talking with him, he made me happy in that particular moment. We talked about our relationship, about how he likes the fact that I never put any pressure on him, how he's ditched all the other girls he's seeing right now, how he would want to play vanilla with me for a while, how we should totally have a movie night together and sleep in a spoon... panic mode: on. I went to bed shaking. Mister Navy was supposed to be my domi-rock. Ahh. I hate the fact that he's turning vanilla on me.

Can you see the paradox here? I'm seeing loads of guys simultaneously. In fact, I've had three dates so far this week (and it's Friday today, two more to come) and I'm still in love with him. I'd love to be poly, or better yet, I'd be delirious if he was mono, but things just don't go that way. Can I truly call myself monogamous, when you look back on my blog? Mister Navy calls that "single life", so do I. I know I've been monogamous, no question about that, but the last six months has changed me drastically.

All my guys have a different purpose in my life. Mister Fire is my love, my vanilla-tasting sweetheart. Mister Navy was my domi, my chocolate and liquorice lover. I'm not sure what he is anymore, now that he's sliding into being vanilla. Mister Blonde is my male best friend, I wouldn't survive a week without sleeping in his arms. I guess I love him, but in a different way than I love Mister Fire. Then there's this one guy.. The man I thought to be the father of my future children. He's in love with me. He's the best guy I know. He's smart, solid, funny, handsome - the whole package. But he's super-SUPER-vanilla and it kills me. I don't want to force any tricks on him. "Pull my hair, would you?" was way too much on him, so I tried to dump him but failed.

Am I poly, or am I just enjoying my single life?
Why do I have to surface these emotions before going to school? Ah I hate this.

I've been crying for over an hour now. I woke up in the middle of the night, having the worst nightmares. This is the fourth night in a row.

I think I need to break up with Mister Fire.

"You're the mistake I'm willing to make"

Mister Blonde kissed me.

It happened sort of by mistake, I guess.
Though, can you kiss someone by mistake? He didn't run into my lips face-first.

I had just spent the last three days (and nights) with him. We were at his place, getting ready for bed. I was already under the covers, wearing nothing but an over-sized t-shirt that I got from him the previous night. He crawled into bed with me, took me in his arms and caressed my thighs. He said that he really loves a girl who squats. He put his hand behind my neck and pulled my face close to his, our noses almost touching. His warm breath was on my face. I just couldn't pull away from him... So when he kissed me, I kissed him back. Four minutes later I was on top of him, he was undressing me and I stopped. Not because I wanted to, but because he looked weird. His face almost shouted out the fact that we were doing something wrong. And he was right.

I lay down beside him. My head had just done a 180 - wasn't I supposed to be in love with Mister Fire? If so, what the hell was I doing? We had to discuss this and I knew it. I took the initiative and asked him what in the world just happened. I had totally friend-zoned him and he influenced me like that, although he of all people shouldn't have.

He told me he was into me. No surprises there. He told me that he had tried being friends with me, but apparently I'm such a flirty persona that it's simply impossible. He had wanted to kiss me for three days. He told me I was driving him crazy: the smell of my hair on his pillow, my skin, my laugh, my body... I guess that's a plausible explanation. We decided that we weren't going to have sex before we knew what was going to happen. Mister Blonde is truly not a fan of a sexual relationship, he wants me to be something more or nothing at all. That's a tough one.

He asked me to stop telling him about all the guys I'm seeing at the moment. Including Mister Fire. He hopes I'm not seeing Mister Fire anymore. Weeeeeeell.. I'm meeting him tomorrow, he'll be staying with me for three days. Whoopsie.
He doesn't want to know about my blog anymore. He wants to be close to me. Apparently he wishes that we'll be involved in some sort of serious relationship, although he wasn't sure if he wanted that. I told him I was very happy being single. There are days when I dislike being a single girl but they come very seldom nowadays.

He wants to be my boyfriend.

Now I'm freaking out.

... And I'm still in love with Mister Fire.

I see fire.

Mister Fire invited me to see him play at a club a few weeks back. I said yes, of course, although I got off work really late and had to rush. He's invited me to come watch him tens of times, but I've never managed to get my bottom to the club. I was wearing black jeans, a worn leather jacket, a white over-sized tee and bright red lipstick. My long blonde hair was wavy and messy. I looked pretty good.

I was in the front row. He was playing guitar and singing a ballad. He kept looking straight into my eyes, right into my soul for the whole length of the song. The four minutes felt like an hour - in a good way. For a second there it felt like we were the only people there, he was singing to me and no one else.

The gig was over, he packed away his stuff and sat next to me at the bar. He nibbled at my ear and said "I want you. Let's go home." Before I knew it I had my jacket on and pulled him out the door. He put his hand firmly on the back of my neck and pulled me into a passionate kiss as soon as we got outside. A few seconds later he had my lipstick all around his face. "I'm not a true rock artist unless I can mess up a groupie's lipstick." He kissed my neck, I purred and almost ran to the car, dragging him behind.

The ride home was crazy. I had to focus fully on controlling myself. I just wanted to pull the car over, get undressed and love him like it was our last day on earth. And I did, as soon as we got home. He kept smiling through it all, he never looked away from my eyes. I can still feel his lips on my skin, the burning sensation of his fingertips on my clavicles... His strong arms pulling me closer to him. There was this moment when he was on top of me when he suddenly stopped, took a good look at me and said "Don't freak out. I love you." I couldn't breathe. I wanted to shout out that I love him too, but nothing came out of my mouth. I just smiled and told him to kiss me like he's never kissed me before.

The next morning he sat in my living room, playing guitar and singing to me while I was making coffee in the kitchen. I can't remember the exact song he played, but it went something like "You are my ecstasy/my real life fantasy/my dream come true" [something something I have forgot]. For some reason my knees felt really weak, I couldn't hold on to the kettle any longer. I'm so happy he didn't see me at the moment - he would've thought I was freaking out. It was just the opposite. He has swept me off my feet, literally.

I gave him a ride home on my way to work. The moment he closed the door behind him I felt empty - why do I have to be without him? A few minutes later he sent me a text saying "I miss you already. When can I see you again??" 
Anytime, baby. I'm (almost) all yours.

Tuesday love

Tuesday night.

Mister Fire invited me to spend the night at his place.

He had the day off, so I left work early. 

He answered the door in his underwear. He pulled me close and kissed me. I forgot to breathe for a second. "I missed you", he said.

Yada yada yada, my phone rang and I had to work for an hour or so. As I answered a few emails Mister Fire just sat there in front of me, staring at me. I couldn't stop smiling.

We cooked together. I was chopping veggies, he kept touching me all over. I put down the knife and dragged him to the bedroom where we stayed for over an hour. I sort of forgot that I was starving! Afterwards we took a long shower together as we always do. I couldn't stop giggling when he washed me.

We had dinner three hours after my arrival. He lit candles, put on soft jazz and just sat there, looking gorgeous. It felt like a dream.

Mister Fire and I don't do "normal" stuff together. We've never watched tv or even a movie. Tuesday night he gave me a massage. He knows my body better than Mister Black or Mister Grey, although we've spent such a short time together. Things escalate quite quickly when we're together... We ended up having sex on his living room floor. My knees are killing me right now, because his carpet burned the skin right off them. I didn't even notice, I was too busy feeling loved.

We had the most amazing night ever. I actually thought that my friends wouldn't believe me when I tell them about him. 

My favourite quotes from Tuesday night:

"You're not 'just good enough'. You're my dream and I want you." 

"You're not just a match, you're a catch. Good night, sweetie."

"You're like fireworks and ecstasy all rolled into one. I can't get enough of you."

Why do I feel this sad?

Oh yeah, because he's a poly and it breaks my heart.

Happiness is...

... Hearing steaming hot bedtime stories that usually come true a few days later. "[...] you're the prettiest princess I've ever seen. I'm your fool, here just to please you." 
(I seriously need to write them down some day. Sexy novels, coming up!)

... Letting him do whatever he wants with me. I feel totally surrendered and naked in his eyes. He looks at me like we've been together in a previous life and kisses me all over. His big, warm hands on my body are all I need. He's happy when I'm happy, he feels pleasure when he pleasures me. I have never ever felt anything like this before, and this is just the beginning. I feel like I haven't done anything yet, because he won't let me be in charge. Oh I'll tie him up one day.

... Dancing naked in my living room in the middle of the night.

... Feeling his breath on my neck as I hug him.

... "Tell me about your sex dreams. No words, show me."

... Planning a photo shoot together. Hearing him say that he wants pictures of us right now because he wants to remember us this way forever.

... Watching him play his music on my piano, all nude of course. I promise, I'll take a picture of that later on. Damn, it's hot.

... waking up in the middle of the night. There's a ridiculously hot guy sleeping beside me, holding me tighter and kissing my hair when I'm moving around.

... Feeling high all the time. I've never done any drugs (and never will), but I can imagine the feeling. We were chatting yesterday, making plans for the week, I suddenly felt a little dizzy. I noticed that I'd held my breath, listening to him and his stupid jokes.

... Having breakfast in my kitchen on a Sunday morning. I'm making pancakes, he just sits there, smiling at me. He looks at me like he's always been in love with me. I walk past him, his hand runs down the small of my back and pulls me close to him. He kisses me and I am speechless. He can't keep his hands off me and I love it.

... realizing that I can never be with anyone else and not freaking out.

If this thing doesn't work out, that's OK. I'll just keep blogging. I'll install Tinder and maybe I'll find a substitute for him. Maybe someone else is good enough. Maybe.

I should never have fallen for this guy anyway.

Now I just need to dump all the other guys. I need an assistant for that, any cute ladies up for the job?