Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Freaking out, part II

Tuesday night. My place.

Mister Turquoise and I spent a night indoors. I served him dinner, he fixed my computer. Yeah, he fixes things around my flat, he wants to help me. He actually calls himself my janitor, haha.

We were relaxing on my bed. Mister Turquoise was laying next to me, talking about buying a flat for himself. He said something funny, like he wasn't sure if buying a flat right now was the right call to do. I looked at him, puzzled. I really had no idea what he was talking about, until he said something about being "old" (he's six years older than me) - he said he should probably want to have kids soon, within the next few years. Turning thirty changed something in him, he appreciates time and wants to make the best of it. Yeah, so do I, and I'm not thirty. I really didn't get his train of thought.

I don't like where this conversation is going. I could hear my heartbeat, my chest was going to implode. I could feel an Alien baby wanting to see the sunlight soon. Not cool. 
"Okay. So what's the hurry?", I said. He thinks that being an old dad is not very desirable. Old dad. What girl can honestly say that she doesn't consider her parents old?

Seriously freaking out right now. Questions going through my mind: Is it rude to ask him to leave and never call me again? How do I get out of this conversation without being rude or falling apart? Do we really need to talk about this? Can't we like, just talk about the weather or movies or politics or atheism or the summer or dogs or or or or or anything besides this?

Thing is, I don't trust people. AT ALL. That's why I'm in like eight "relationships" at the moment. I don't trust guys to love me enough not to fuck around - trust me, I've done that already. Didn't work out the way I thought. The least I need is a few kids running on my lawn.

I don't remember my exact words, but I remember having a wet face all of the sudden. Why am I crying? At first I tried to hide it, failing miserably. I explained something about my past, saying that I really don't trust guys. Not even if they say they love me. I can't remember the last time I heard a guy saying he loves me and mean it. I don't think I've healed enough to say those words in the near future.
So, I was rattling on about my traumas and he just hugged me until I stopped crying.

Fuck, I really need to dump him.

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